I am a trans woman. My boyfriend became a woman. It sucked.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

I am a male-to-female transsxual woman. Not only have I Iived on both sides of the gender divide, but I have also experienced gender transition from both sides. A decade after I transitioned, I met a guy and we began dating. We moved in together in short order. A couple of years later, he transitioned to female. I’m here to tell you, that experience sucked eggs.

When I transitioned my self, it was horrible: physically as well as emotionally painful. But it was also beautiful, exhilarating, and joyful. Contrariwise, when my partner transitioned, I’m sure there was exhilaration and joy for her, but for me it mostly sucked. (Even though I knew from the very outset of our relationship that he planned to transition at some point in the future.)

Here are some of the horrible, painful experiences of my own transition:

• The wrenching change to my identity
• The fear of being seen in public “cross-dressed”
• The humiliation of being clocked (being recognized as a dude in a dress, sometimes accompanied by insulting remarks)
• The pain and expense of 100+ hours of electrolysis, and of various surgeries
• Being rejected by my family (but not losing friends — because I had none)
• Having my opinions less respected at work
• Losing a job, returning to work at a much lower salary
• Having to tell dates that I am transsexual, and suffering subsequent rejection
• Completely losing my sex drive (this does not seem to happen to most trans women)
• The pain of high heels (just joking, never a problem for me, though too-tight shoes often were)

Here are some of the beautiful, joyful experiences of my own transition:

• Finding my true self
• Living my truth
• Learning to feel
• Making new, deep friendships
• Being supported by so many people around me
• Becoming clean and sober
• The fun of make-up and femme clothing (fun for a while; they don’t do anything for me now)
• The thrill of first going out in public cross-dressed
• The amazing super-thrill of the first time I was “mistaken” for a woman — in my case, it was simply by a guy taking my money in a parking lot check-out booth
• Being rid of that pesky little friend in my pants
• Going through a party-girl phase (though rather awkward, at 45 years old)
• My first date/kiss/sex with a man (these were different occasions!)
• Completely losing my sex drive, freeing up lots of time and energy!
• Eventually being accepted by my family
• Eventually being accepted in society as a woman, by other women, and by men, … and by myself!

For my own transition, the joys most definitely outweighed the sorrows.

I’m sure my partner experienced many of those same things from her point of view during her transition, but here is my point of view:

Here are some of what sucked about having my partner transition:

• Losing my boyfriend (while gaining a girlfriend)
• Becoming a reluctant lesbian
• Living with an incredibly selfish and self-centered person for a few years
• Being seen in public with someone who got clocked all the time
• Being seen in public with someone who, for a while, had really bad fashion and make-up sense
• Having her borrow my clothes until (after a number of fights) she developed her own style and wardrobe (fortunately, we have practically identical builds — 6 foot tall and thin — so she didn’t stretch out my clothes)
• Having to support her financially through a (long) period of unemployment
• Having to take a more dominant role in our relationship, because she got all girly on me (I think of it as, “She made me her butch!”)

Here is the upside of having my partner transition:

• < crickets >

Again I joke. My partner’s transition did have some upside for me. It was a joy and a privilege to support her emotionally during her transition. I gained a close girlfriend. I got to share vicariously in some of her joys. But on the whole, it really sucked donkey dong.

As a woman whose male partner transitioned, (and it seems to be quite rare that a man’s partner transitions, whether in hetero- or homo- relationships), here is my advice to other women in this situation. First of all, if you want to leave the relationship, nobody — probably not even your partner — will blame you. If there was ever a case of “You’re not the man I married!” this is it. But if you stay, please support your partner as much as you are able. She really needs it. Nevertheless, do NOT let it be all about her. This is a time for self-care, if ever there was one. Think about what YOU want from YOUR life, and take some steps to obtain it. Throw the social conventions and your old thinking out the window; your partner certainly has! Go wild, be as free as we all truly are, and dig deep into your heart. Take the example of your partner, and build the life YOU want, whether you do it with your partner, alone, or with a new partner (or partners!) In this way, your partner’s transition can also be a time of transition for you, an opportunity to improve your life in ways that you, perhaps, never conceived of before.

Ha! Giving advice is easy. Did I put my money where my mouth is? Well, I’d already done most of that during my own transition, so it wasn’t really the same for me. But in the end, another 10 years down the line, I’m living exactly the good life I chose, with the possible exception of having a female instead of a male partner. But that was never in the cards for me, and who knows, it might well have not worked out anyway. And I still have a life partner whom I love, and I thank the god-thing for that.