Let’s Do Fascism Right
My brain has been seriously hung up these days on climate change and how we fix it, mitigate it, survive it, and so. I’ve been trying to think outside the box to come up with new, practical solutions to both climate change and to our country’s and our world’s other various dilemmas. I may have hit on one. Maybe we on the left in the USA are making a mistake, a BIG mistake, trying desperately to save our democracy. The world is headed toward autocracy, we can all see that. Maybe we should stop fighting it, and agree to go all fascist. But—and here’s the twist—let’s get us a good dictator, a benevolent dictator. One who will not be corrupt, but who will actually focus on fixing climate change, increasing social justice, eliminating racism, and flattening income inequality. Only an autocrat can now move fast enough to save us. Let’s do facism right!
I see two challenges in implementing this strategy: Whom shall be our dictator, and how do we get them into position? Let’s take the second question first, how do we go about moving our democracy to a benevolent dictatorship? It’s simple, really: We use the tools of democracy and our constitution to get our guy into the Presidency, and then declare martial law. Start by marching Trump’s three Supreme Court Justices down to Guantánamo. End the Senate filibuster by fiat. Yank the licenses from Fox News and OAN. Send the army house-to-house to confiscate guns. Halt the sale of gas powered vehicles. Close coal-fired power plants. Defund the fucking police! Then, on Day 2… When we’ve made enough progress on our world’s problems, we rescind the martial law order and revert back to our democracy. How nice!
What tools of democracy do we use? Why, the 2024 Presidential election, of course! First, we need a party. We could do it through the Republican party, the Democratic party, or a third party. To use the Republican Party, given the state of things today, we would have to use subterfuge and run a stealth candidate who would pose as a Trumpy and then whiplash reverse course once in office. In fact, we could even kidnap Trump and put an agent in his place, using plastic surgery and cheeseburgers to make him look like Trump. Maybe use one of those Mission Impossible silicon rubber mask things. I don’t like this plan. It’s too underhanded for me and probably for most who would support the benevolent dictator plan. And too many things could go wrong too easily.
If we use the Democratic party, we’re 48% of the way to victory already. Here, once again, we could use a stealth candidate. But I think a better strategy is to be totally above board about what we’re doing. Let’s get the people behind the benevolent dictator plan and openly elect the autocrat to run it. After all, it’s a good plan. Hell, it’s a great plan. It’s the only plan that can save us.
It’s a great plan. It’s the only plan that can save us.
We could try a third party. Use an existing one like the Greens (where I am registered.) Or, let’s just have the American Fascist Party. Or revive the old Fascist Party of America. (Otherwise the American Fascist Party and the Fascist Party of America might have terrible internecine conflicts, à la Life of Brian.) However, third parties have never fared well in this country. Sure, we can attract many supporters to our noble plan. Maybe even some fascists currently in the Republican party, through probably not a lot if we do not bring along the white supremacy aspect. Still, there are probably some who just love fascism regardless of policy. But this approach would be an uphill battle that would have slim hope of succeeding. Let’s go with the Democrats.
Unfortunately, having a fantastic plan—benevolent dictatorship—and the Democratic party as a vehicle will not be enough to garner 267 electoral votes, not in today’s America. We need more, a lot more. Fortunately, we’ve been given a master class in how to rig an election. We on our side also neeed to deploy THE BIG LIE, voter intimidation, misinformation, Internet bots, and foreign assistance. I hate it, but guys, the Republicans have set the playing field. We need to play on it if we’re going to win. Fight fire with napalm. Bring a bazooka to the gun fight. Have you seen the [deep fake] video of Trump being butt-fucked by Herschal Walker? Our candidate will send you a gallon of your favorite ice cream every month! Did you know that both Jared AND Ivanka are TRANSGENDER? We’ll have a lottery for 100 ponies for little girls, with a grand prize of an actual living unicorn! Let’s recruit an army of A-list celebrities to the cause. Oprah, come on board! Keven Costner, Alec Balwin , Tom Hanks, welcome to the team! (And sorry about your legal troubles, Alec. Next time, double-check your load.) Taylor Swift, thank you for the campaign song! Queen Bey, welcome aboard and please bring along your Beyhive! The left surely has the power when it comes to celebrities. Internet bots? We may not own all the high tech executive offices, but we certainly have the best hackers! Foreign assistance? Bill Clinton, please deploy your Global Initiative! BTS, will you perform our campaign song? Stormtroopers? They have their Proud Boys and Oath Keepers, but we have our San Franciso Gay Men’s Chorus! (Those boys are fierce!)
And that brings us to the second and final question, who will be our candidate? Our best strategy for the win it to run our most popular celebrity. Celebrities win. Heck, even C-lister Dr. [Wizard of] Oz won his primary. C-lister Trump, ‘nuff said. It’s Oprah for the win, people! But no, that is the wrong choice. All love to Oprah, but she would not be the best dicatator. For one, I doubt she wants the job. Two, she does not have the experience to run a government effectively, not even as dictator. We need an experienced public servent. Three, we need someone incorruptible. I’m not saying Oprah would necessarily be corrupt, but anyone who is not an experienced politician would be subject to incredible pressures like they’ve never encountered before in their lives. Who knows what would happen?
…even C-lister Dr. [Wizard of] Oz won his primary
So what experienced public servants are good candidates for the job? My first instinct is to go for the Democratic party’s smartest, fiercest, most entertaining politicians: Al Franken, Anthony Weiner, or Alan Grayson. Bygones be bygones! It’s gloves off time, bare-knuckle fighting time, and these guys have got the chops. They could raise a genuine enthusiasm in the body politic and go the distance. And they could get things done once in office. I think they would see the wisdom of the benevolent dictator plan and embrace it completely. They’re so smart, they can probably even improve it.
But fuck them! They’re old(ish) white men, and I’m through with old white men. Their time has passed, and good riddance. Please leave so we can start cleaning up your mess. Rather, let’s look to our deep bench of brilliant, capable minority and woman candidates, including minority women. Let’s start with the presumptive next-in-line for the Democratic presidential nomination, the presumptive first woman President, the presumptive first minority Presidient: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Vice President: Kamala Harris. Kamala is knocking it out of the park as Vice President (whether or not the public see it) and is getting invaluable experience in the office next door (figuratively) to the Oval Office. Considering her time as the California attorney general, and some of the stories and rumors that have circulated about her, I think the soft-spoken, elegant, lady-like Ms. Harris may just have hidden depths and the personality to be our benevolent dictator. The iron fist in the velvet glove! Madame VEEP is definitely on our short list.
I’m through with old white men. Their time has passed…
Then there’s dear Liz Warren. Whip smart, compassionate, a fighter for the common wo/man, deep knowledge of the law, experience as a presidential candidate, already good national name recognition, and Native American roots(?), Liz deserves serious consideration. However, I’m not sure she will support the BD plan. She seems to be pretty straight-arrow, and I don’t know if she would be willing to bend the rules to achieve our goals. And plenty of rule-bending will be necessary, I’m afraid.
How about Hilary? Do I have to say it? Hilary Clinton, that’s which Hilary. Talk about a natural dictator, I’m sure Hilary would relish the role. Bend the rules? No problem. Experienced? Like no other. On board with the BD plan? Shouldn’t be difficult. In fact, I think she’ll be a celebrity member of the team in any case. My main concern is her age, and whether she has enough energy left to take on the heavy responsibility of leadership, again. In addition, I’m sorry to say, she’s a loser. Oh, you say she won the popular vote? Boo-hoo, that’s not how we count the presidential election. Plus, there are reasons why she lost, reasons besides the chicanery from the other side. A lot of people just hate the bitch. Personally, I love the bitch! But she may not be the best choice to be our standard bearer.
Okay, I’ve been toying with you, because I know the right answer. When you hear it, you will agree and wonder why you didn’t think of it yourself. Our best candidate for Benevolent Dictator of the USA—Benevolent Dictator of the World, if we play our cards right—is … Senator Amy Klobuchar! That’s right, you heard me, Amy Klobuchar. Klobuchar. Klobuchar. Klobuchar. It’s tough to spell, but you’ll get used to it. (Lord knows, at least it’s not “Buttigieg”.) Why Amy? (…as we’ll call her, until we call her Madame President.) Obviously she’s smart and good hearted and progressive and all that important stuff, but perhaps her #1 qualification is how much she wants it. God, how she wants it! She stood outside in a Minnesota blizzard to announce her candidacy in 2020, as she’ll gladly tell you time and again. During the ’20 Presidential debates, you could just see the desire dripping off of her. Why don’t you call on me more? Why aren’t you paying more attention to my arguments? Elect me, elect ME, ELECT ME, GODDAMIT! And when the debates were over and Amy’s candidacy was over, she did not fade back into the background like Liz Warren and Mayor Pete. She’s been getting her puss on TV at every opportunity. She’s practically Rachel Maddow’s co-anchor at this point.
Elect me, elect ME, ELECT ME, GODDAMIT!
Then there are the stories, which she does not deny, about how she treats her staff. “…[N]ot just demanding but often dehumanizing — not merely a tough boss … but the steward of a work environment colored by volatility, highhandedness and distrust” according to the New York Times. Does that scream “autocrat” to you, like it does to me? An iron fist in a titanium glove? I believe Senator Amy has the personality to be our Benevolent Dictator, the chops to govern, and a hunger for power strong enough to bend the rules to achiever her/our goals—and to be incorruptible. Besides, you know she is running for President in 2024 anyway (and 2028, and 2032…), so let’s get on board the Amy train, and get Senator Amy on board the Benevolent Dictator train.
Madame President Amy Klobuchar will show us how to do fascism right! All hail our President for Life and Dear Leader, Amy Klobuchar! Heil, Klobuchar!
Lannie, 6/2022
