Peace in the Mideast is Achievable
The South Dakota Solution
Trigger warning! This article is satire. Its purpose is humor, not accuracy.
Let’s admit it, people. The 1917 Balfour Declaration got it wrong. Oh, they were right that there must be a national home for the Jewish people. But their selection of Palestine as the location for that home simply has not worked out, now has it?
The Palestinians will not stop attacking Israel until the land from the river to the sea is returned to them. Israel will not be safe and secure until the Palestinian threat is removed. It is a stalemate, as history has shown. It is an intractable problem.
Enter the South Dakota Solution. This solution for lasting peace in the Mideast is simple: Move the state of Israel to the state of South Dakota. There is precedent for such a move, as when the Mormons were given the state of Utah.
Why not? As far as I am aware, no one lives in South Dakota. The U.S. is not using it for anything. It is just our spare Dakota. Why not make it the New Israel? If the Israelis could make the Palestinian desert bloom, surely they can do something with South Dakota.
Such a deal! Israel trades 8,000 square miles (20,000 square kilometers) of desert for almost 10 times as much area of … well, I’m not sure what is there, exactly.
If any people do currently live in South Dakota, they can be encouraged to hook their trailers up to their pickup trucks and head across the nearest border. If they head north, they won’t even notice the change: They’ll still be in a Dakota. (The real Dakota. It has oil.) Offer them a million dollars compensation each, and they’ll be happy to make the move. Live the rest of their lives like kings and queens.
If there are any Native American Indian reservations in the state, that won’t be a problem either. The U.S. has a long history of moving Indians whenever and wherever they like. Or just kill them all.
Politically, the U.S. could simply give the land currently occupied by South Dakota to the Zionists, who will now be known as “Rushmorists,” and let New Israel be recognized as an independent nation. Or, it could become a U.S. protectorate like Puerto Rica. Heck, it could even remain a U.S. state — like Israel essentially already is.
I admit that the South Dakota Solution isn’t perfect. The Israelis won’t like giving up their sacred sites like Jerusalem and Masada. But they will still be able to go visit them. I’m sure the Palestinians will be grateful for the tourist dollars.
If they choose to, the New Israelis can recreate some of their sacred sites in New Israel, like somebody recreated Noah’s Ark in Kentucky. Or Las Vegas recreated a Pyramid and the Eiffel Tower.
Besides, the New Israelis can just put on their big-boy pants and suck it up. This is America. We don’t give a shit about sacred sites. We build Walmarts on Native American sacred sites.
Another drawback of the South Dakota Solution is that the U.S. loses its “unsinkable aircraft carrier in the Middle East” protecting its access to the region’s oil resources. But that is really not such a big deal because the U.S. is currently a larger oil producer than the Middle East. And we have begun to transition from away fossil fuels to renewables anyway. That particular aircraft carrier has become a white elephant. The Mideast will be more peaceful without our — uh, I mean, Israel’s — presence.
So there you go: The South Dakota Solution. A real two-state solution. Peace in the Mideast and in the Midwest. (Although the New Israelis may want to keep an eye on Montana.)
What is there not to like?
