Please Do Not Read This Column
And for god’s sake, do not respond!!
Ah, how I long for the halcyon days of yore (a couple of years ago) when I could publish any old garbage (like this post) on Medium and nobody would read it. Nobody would comment. Nobody would notice. It wouldn’t bother anyone. These days, one of my columns may garner hundreds of reads and maybe a dozen comments. So now I must write self-consciously, knowing that others are actually going to see it.
When nobody read me, I wasn’t wasting anybody’s time. Now that people are reading, I feel a responsibility to make it worth their while. So I feel that I should publish only things that are actually good. Oh lord, at some point I may even be driven to do research.
And the comments! Now I have to follow my own articles for days, interacting with the responders. It’s taking valuable time away from my Netflix viewing! (Actually, from my work.)
What is worse, I love it. My Medium responders, like pretty much all Medium responders, are supportive, intelligent, respectful, funny, and good looking. At least I assume you are good looking.
Medium responders, are supportive, intelligent, respectful, funny, and good looking.
I enjoy our short discussions as you support or undermine my thesis, correct my mistaken facts and assumptions, and let me know that you enjoy my writing.
But it is that hit of dopamine I get when I see applause or comments that I’m worried about. Am I becoming reliant on Internet people to bolster my self-esteem? Am I sad when nobody reads or comments? Am I becoming addicted?
When did my follower number explode to 1.7k? Last time I looked, it was only 641. Does anybody have any tips on how to lose followers?
Looking into my stats, it is only my articles that touch on climate change that get large numbers of views. I should probably stop writing about it. Hell, there are plenty of others covering that topic quite exhaustively on Medium, as I pointed out in my last column.
This column will be lucky to garner a dozen reads. Even fewer, if you guys respect the article’s title.
And so I beg of you: Please don’t read me.
And so I beg of you: Please don’t read me. Don’t respond. Unfollow me. Get off my mailing list. Allow me to have peace of mind again.
Of course, if you do, then you’ll miss out on my super-special Christmas bonus! 🎄😊🎄 (There is no super-special Christmas bonus.)
— Lannie Rose, December 2022
preferred pronouns: she/her/hers
P.S. I hate to spoil the joke by explaining it, but I hope you understand that this is meant humorously. I actually love that my audience is growing and I love you gals and guys! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you who are reading this during the holidays. And a Happy [insert closest holiday] to the rest of you!
